A New Dad or A New Mom -- A Family History look at Death, Divorce, and Remarriage
Eva Willis Day Vinnedge Jacobsen
My grandmother, Eva Willis Day Vinnedge Jacobsen had more heartbreak than anyone should have. She and her husband Lyle Keith Day were the parents to 5 young, energetic boys. But due to the excessive drinking of her husband, Grandma Eva became a widow at the age of 32. She was blessed by the opportunity to live with her in-laws to have help in raising her children. Grandma worked as a waitress, among other jobs, to earn money for her young family.
Just a couple of years later, Grandma Eva met Chester James Vinnedge, marrying him and having two more children. Grandpa Chet was the grandfather I knew, as we made many trips on Sunday afternoons to visit them at their home in central Washington state, and epic Thanksgiving dinners with aunts, uncles, and cousins. Sadly, Grandpa Chet had a heart attack, and for the second time in her 68 years of life, my grandmother was a widow. I recall my Dad driving as fast as he could get to her home, one of the few speeding tickets he has been given, and in this instance, worth the price.
Charles Clark Willis with his 3rd wife, Pearl
Grandma Eva married again, this time to Henry Jacobsen. She only had the joy of his company for a couple of years, and lost her third husband to heart trouble again. She died in 1999, having outlived all three of her husbands. Despite all the tragedy in Grandma Eva’s life, she was a cheerful, loving woman, wife, mother, and grandmother. She had a positive influence on those around her.
In anyone’s family tree, a quick look through the generations will reveal this sad, but common occurrence. Grandma Eva’s father, Charles Clark Willis lost his first wife to a hemorrhage after childbirth, my grandma’s birth. My great-great grandfather, Theodore Barber Day lost his young wife, Rachel Ann Day, before their 5th anniversary. He had two young boys, and quickly married Anna Koecke, a German immigrant, just 10 months later. Within those first 3-4 generations, there are several more ancestors who would lose spouses and remarry.
On my wife’s side of the family, her grandmother Aletta Maria de Hont, divorced her husband during the aftermath of World War II in their war-torn home of Amsterdam. It was with her second husband, Henri Orri, that she immigrated with my teenage father-in-law to the United States. Two-year-old Grandma de Hont lost her mother to the 1918 Spanish Flu epidemic. Her father remarried within a year, so that he had someone to help take care of his two young daughters.
Step-parents are common in today’s society. Divorce, rather than death, is the common cause now. Regardless of the cause, 42% of adults have a steprelationship with a parent, sibling, or child Despite the fact that steprelationships are common, it has an impact on the way individuals view family obligations. According to Pew Research, an adult child feels obligated to help an older parent in need 85% of the time, while only 58% feel the same obligation toward a step parent. Similarly parents feel obligated to help grown children 78% of the time, while they only feel obligated to help adult step-children 62% of the time. The obligation toward siblings and step-siblings is similar. Those are significant declines in the sense of obligation.
Its important to consider that the negative effects of death or divorce don’t need to have a lasting impact on family relationships. A recent book discussed the relationships between stepchildren and stepparents. Writing about remarriage and family relationships, the authors explained, “although family growth may also increase the potential for loyalty conflicts and family jealousy, the rewards of having an expansive family network are likely to outweigh the costs, particularly when inter-generational relationships are positive.”
While I have no proof of it as the result of research and polls, I believe that spending time discovering our family tree, and seeing in our ancestors the commonality of step-parents and step-children, will help us be filled with compassion to those who, through death or divorce, have lost a spouse or parent. Perhaps even more than once. Such compassion can help provide the desire and incentive to build the relationships described that will overcome conflict, and allow them to become positive inter-generational relationships between blended family members.
Dale G. Renlund explained that, “Love for [our] ancestors [can be] the catalyst to heal a rift, mend a hurt, and seek and extend forgiveness.” That need especially exists with parents and step-parents, children and step-children. What greater reason to research our genealogy can there be?
Gianesini, G., & Blair, S. L. (2016). Divorce, Separation, and Remarriage : The Transformation of Family: Vol. First edition. Emerald Group Publishing Limited.